Letting Go of Fear
It’s been almost two years now since I’ve been eating clean and bodybuilding and never once have I lost that fear in the back of my head that I’m going to gain all the weight back plus 10 pounds more. I think that comes with remembering your own personal history with the yo-yo dieting.
After my first show my trainer and I plotted a plan: I would take a year to train hard, build muscle and enter the figure division, which was better suited for my body type, but I would need to get more muscular. Game On. Until he told me I would need to be at around 120-125 lbs. for the bulk of the year before cutting down to my show weight. Game Over. I had just lost 50 lbs., why on earth would I want to gain 25 lbs of that back? And if I gain 25 lbs., won’t that turn into 50 lbs. and then 100 lbs., and then I’d become a qualifier for The Biggest Loser?
So I threw that plan out the window, did another competition four months later staying in the bikini division and felt pretty good. Until the holidays. My trainer moved back to Houston and I wouldn’t be starting up with my new trainer until January. Left over Halloween candy + Thanksgiving turkey + Christmas cookies + wanting to stay thin + no one holding me accountable but me = mindfuck. I kept weighing myself in a panic.
In January I told my then new trainer, Mel, about my fitness goals and she told me I would need to gain weight in a healthy way to put on lean muscle mass and I totally freaked out again in a saying-ok-while-nodding-my-head-no-and-crossing-my-hands-protectively-across-my-body sort of way. Having been heavy herself once she understood where I was coming from and told me to throw the 120-125 lb. number out of my head; we could do this without me gaining much weight. Just eat clean and lift.
By the show I was stronger than I’ve ever been in my life but, while muscular for me, the other women dwarfed me by comparison. I came in dead last and was disappointed to do so poorly.
“Are you ready to really do this now? Are you ready to reshape your body?” she asked me. “You’re going to have to put on weight.”
Yes. No. Yes?
Yes.
I’m carb loading now and it’s freaking me out. I used to eat 1/2 cup (or less) rice for four meals out of six. Now I eat a full cup with each meal. I get two cheat meals per week and it’s freaking me out. What if I go overboard? I don’t weigh myself because I don’t want to know what I weigh, but my jeans are two sizes bigger than what I wore for my last show. And the results?
I lifted the heaviest I’ve ever lifted yesterday and my friends all tell me I look the healthiest they’ve ever seen me.
Mindfuck.
I didn’t realize this would be so difficult for me, embracing the mantra “Strong is the New Skinny”. My hope is that through bodybuilding my mind-body-food balance will level out to the point where I’m just living naturally and not living in fear of a number on the scale. Even if I don’t put on a ton of muscle mass this off season, at least I feel like I’m headed towards a healthier relationship with food.
How about you? Do you have fears about your weight?
Lisa 
- @sheslosingitnet
- http://www.facebook.com/ShesLosingItnet
Sheslosingit.net (c) 2013 Lisa Traugott. All rights reserved. No portion of this blog, including any text, photographs, and artwork, may be reproduced or copied without written permission.
Congratulations on your progress so far!! You are an inspiration to me. I am currently 7 years recovered from a 15 year stint of anorexia and bulimia. I just turned 45 this month and I’m in a much healthier state than when I was 20!! When I made the decision that I had enough of my unhealthy eating disorders, it took me about a year of battling my mind to overcome the urges to binge, purge or not eat at all.
I started going to the gym with a girlfriend of mine and I was hooked from that point on. I educated myself on eating and lifting properly but dealing with the mental aspect was tough. So I can relate to your “mindfuck” feelings. I don’t weigh myself regularly as (for me) it only tends to play with my mind. I am 5’3″ and at 130, lots of muscle but I’m happy with it! It sure beats 99 pounds and looking 60. 🙂 I started thinking of doing a competition about 4 years ago…I’ve stopped thinking about it and decided on one in April 2014. I’m doing it for me, no one else 🙂
I have to say you look fantastic and I’m very inspired by your website/blog. Thank you for what you do, keep up the great work.
Thank you so much and congratulations for all that you have accomplished!! Good luck at your first competition – I think you might find yourself hooked on bodybuilding. As it is your first show, you might want to read posts in the “Bodybuilding Basics” category. It covers everything from what to expect during your 12-week show prep diet down, to the costs of competing and information on posing, diet and exercise. Good luck!
Thank you 🙂 I will read that…I need all the info I can get.
Good luck 🙂
Looking back at my early competition prep about 6+ weeks ago, I see that I should have eaten more – like you are doing now. Even as a runner I hadn’t eaten that many carbs, but next time around I will trust the process and myself and I am so glad to hear you are doing that now and adjusting well. Thanks for this post!
Thanks for the validation – it helps!
Lmfao mind fuck hehe
LOL
I have fears about my weight. I fear that I won’t be able to lose enough weight to compete. The scale aren’t moving and the centimeters not moving fast enough. Sometimes I fear I won’t be able to do what you are doing now 🙁
Trust your trainer/nutritionist. I panicked up until two weeks before my first show that I wouldn’t come in right. You’d be amazed what happens the last four weeks of show prep. You are going to do great and I’m rooting for you!