Sassy Lessons

April 2012

Daniel is beaming.  He won 2nd place in his division at Texas Shredderbuilt this weekend.  “Well, you earned it,” I tell him.

Today he’s going to teach me how to do the four female poses for the competition.  We go into the Group X room where there are a ton of mirrors and I roll up my shirt so my stomach is showing.  I’m wearing a new T-shirt I bought at the competition that says, “Moms Kick Butt.”  I love it.

“There are four poses for the female competition.  Front, right side, back, and left side.  For males the important thing is to look as big as possible.  For females the important thing is to be sassy.”

Well, now I get the giggles because I don’t know what’s funnier to me: having this big bulky guy trying to teach me how to stand like a woman or hearing him use a word like ‘sassy.’

The front pose is the hardest for me because you’re supposed to engage your lat muscles while keeping your arms relaxed, your stomach in and butt sticking out like a duck.  It’s very odd and I can’t seem to get it.  The side poses and back pose are easy enough.  Apparently, I’m supposed to smile during this process too.  And wear 5 inch heels.  And a bikiniWhat have I gotten myself into?

“I think I’m going to outsource the rest of this to my friend, Maria.  She’s training to compete in the nationals and can teach you more tricks than I ever could.”

I set up a time to meet with Maria and we meet in the gym locker room.  I am wearing a bikini and my practice heels.  Again, I get a case of the giggles because posing seems so odd to me.  By the end of the hour I feel like this is manageable and ask about the walk to the back.

“Walk to the back?” she asks.

“Yes, that’s what they did during the Texas Shredder.”

“Are you doing the bikini or the figure competition?”

“I’m doing the one for old people who have no business entering a bodybuilding competition.”

“Bikini is for more soft looking bodies and figure is for more muscle tone.”

“Which one are you doing?” I ask her.

“Figure,” she replies.

“Well, then I need to learn the bikini moves.  I can’t compete with you.  Look at you.  Look at me.  There’s no way I would even have a shot in hell of placing.  After killing myself and dropping 30 lbs. I want to at least pretend that I can hold my own against other senior citizens.”

So now Maria is outsourcing me to another gal, to teach me the bikini poses, which are completely different than the fitness poses.  Who know there would be so much to this?

Apparently the key to placing in the bikini competition is having a toned body combined with a lot of swagger.  I can’t speak for the body yet (I’m still working on my predisposed genetic pot belly) but I can totally pull off swagger.  I’m a Jersey Girl after all.  We have attitude.

Tonight I plan to watch some You Tube videos to see what I can learn about the bikini poses before my sassy swagger lesson with the newest person.

I will channel my inner Sex Goddess… (c) 2012 Lisa Traugott.  All rights reserved.  No portion of this blog, including any text, photographs, and artwork, may be reproduced or copied without written permission.

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