50 Shades of Mommy Porn

If you really want to start a fun conversation, ask people what they think about 50 Shades of Grey.  I’ve heard everything from frustration that the Sons of Anarchy guy was replaced by the Calvin Klein model (#NotMyChristian!) to strong lamentation about anti-feminist themes of submission, to others saying it is just kinky, sick and wrong.  The funniest comments to me are from men who scratch their head and say, “I don’t get it.”

Oh, do let me explain:  It’s total midlife-crisis mommy fantasy porn.  That’s it.  I think people are reading too much into this.

Yes, the prose is lame (Holy Cow!  My Inner Goddess did a tango to the kitchen and baked a soufflé!) but have you seen any male porn ever?  “Hi.  I’m the pizza delivery man.  I must have come to the wrong address…”

For those of you who don’t know the basic premise:  Billionaire Christian (ha ha – Christian?) Grey falls in lust with Anastasia Steele, a 21 year old virgin (ha ha) and even though he only has non-touching sadomasochist relationships he will make an exception for Ana because she is special.  He always pays complete attention to her, buys her expensive clothes and gifts (which she politely rejects then keeps,) takes her to fabulous locations in his private jet/yacht and/or sports car, and will agree to ALL her terms of the relationship because he loves her that much.  He requires no blow jobs because he is completely satisfied making her climax.  He refuses to have her sign a pre-nup.  He tells her to eat more (!) because she’s too skinny. Sex is always fun and exciting, he is hot even waking up, has ripped muscles, and did I mention the onsite cook?

If this is what BDSM is all about, well spank me hard and call me a submissive; I want that!  OMG, you had me at “eat more, you’re too skinny.”  Seriously, fantasy Christian Grey – I do three leg workouts a week so I have a strong threshold for pain and am willing to take it for the team if it means someone else gets to do the laundry and food prep.

After spending the day meeting deadlines at work, helping with the 3rd grade science fair, Little League baseball, tax preparations and shuffling ageing parents between doctor appointments, can you even imagine trying to read a story about being a dominatrix?  How exhausting!  Where’s the fun in that?

So, the moral of the story is:  Back off my mommy porn.

Your thoughts?

Lisa

Lisa Traugott is a Mom’s Choice Award winning writer, fitness blogger, wife and mom of two. You can read more about her in her new book, “She’s Losing It!” available at Amazon.com.

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