Flashmob Fiasco

“I done had a long week/Now it’s time to celebrate,” sang Jennifer Lopez silkily over the car radio. I done had a long week too. Not to brag, but I almost single-handily ruined my personal trainer’s wedding. That’s pretty impressive, even for me.

Don’t get me wrong. I do and say a lot of dumb things, so often in fact that I have a recurring segment on my blog called “Dumb S*** I Said to My Trainer.” But this takes the proverbial wedding cake. (You can read a DSST sample here: “I Can’t Believe You Won’t Let Me Eat I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! “)

Checking my reflection in the mirror I dragged fire engine red lipstick over my pout. My husband followed the curves of the road into the Texas Hill Country and then traced his eyes along the curves of my dress. I’m eleven weeks out from my next bodybuilding competition, so my trainer, Melissa Merritt (“Mel”) has me on a pretty tight diet.

I only recently joined her all women’s bodybuilding team, Mel’s Machines, and was shocked to be invited to her wedding at all.

Not only am I new to the team, I’m new to bodybuilding too. Last January I was age 38 and size 14 (I’m 5″4) and no diet seemed to help, so I decided to try something radical: I entered a bikini competition, (because when you’re middle aged and borderline obese is there really a better time to enter a bikini competition?)

Long story short I dropped 50 lbs, fell in love with the sport and now I’m a personal trainer. (What a difference a year can make!) Anyway, Daniel Rufini, the trainer who helped me lose all the weight, moved to Houston in November and he got me on the Mel’s Machines team before he left. (You can read about my first training session with Mel here: “Trolls and Miracles.”)

Mel is badass. She won the Ms. Figure USA competition and the girls on her team win awards in Bikini and Figure divisions both locally and nationally. Like a mama hen, she bends over backwards to include everyone, even us newbies. (Bet she’s rethinking that decision!)

“You know you can’t have all the girls from the team in your bridal party, right?” said Chantry, her fiancé. (FYI – Chantry is pronounced like “pantry” but with a ch. He’s a fireman, of course.) Not everyone could be a bridesmaid so she planned a flashmob dance to include all the girls and surprise her man.

Mel's Machines (last year's team) — Mel’s Machines (last year’s team) www.facebook.com/MelsMachines

She met in secret with the choreographer and the girls who had been on the team for several years to rehearse. Then, a week or two before the wedding, Mel, being Mel, told me about the top-secret flashmob and invited me to join in at the end of the dance with some other team newbies. I was floored and so excited to be a part of her special day.

We met for rehearsal after our team booty camp workout and since my group didn’t come in until the very end I thought it would be helpful for me to video all the other girls doing the dance so they could practice it later. See? Pretty good thinking on my part, huh? Bet she’s happy to have invited me! And because I’m so helpful I emailed her the video clip.

To her business email address.

The one her fiancé, Chantry, set up and checks for her daily.

My phone began to bounce from the quick succession of text messages that followed.

9:06 pm Mel: F*** f*** f***!! Please don’t send anything about today to my gmail!!!!!!!! Chantry helps me check the biz account. F***. Hopefully I caught it in time!
9:08 pm Lisa: OH S***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so sorry!!! I didn’t know!!!!! Oh God I hope u caugtht in in time. I’M SO SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9:09 pm Mel: No I know you didn’t know 🙁
9:09 pm Lisa: I’m so sorry!

Sprinting to my computer I deleted every email I ever sent to Mel just in case. Then I started to dig a hole in the backyard to bury myself. Because, what am I going to write in her card now? Thanks so much for inviting me to your wedding I just ruined! (?)

3 minutes later

9:12 pm Mel: I don’t think you attached it. I see your email but don’t see a video clip.

Thank God I still don’t know how to use my smart phone yet!!!

I apologized profusely and she assured me that a) she did not hate me and, b) everything was fine. All night long I tossed and turned, dreaming that somehow the video clip of the flashmob got posted on Facebook by some site that said it would post things on my behalf and then it went viral and all the bodybuilders on the team were going to gang up on me and kick my ass. (You can read about one of my teammates here: Chiari Warrior.)

Fortunately, none of that happened and the dance went off without a hitch. The video clip is below. So I done had a long week, but now it’s time to celebrate. Mel and Chantry: This flashmob dance is for you.

Lisa