Lisa vs. Daniel – Round 1
I log in my code at the trainers’ desk and Daniel looks through my food journal.
“Lasagna, huh?” he asks.
“Oh, that’s from church group. We’re going to a bible study thing at Austin Stone because they provide free child care and dinner. I would sit through a timeshare presentation for San Quinton prison if they provided free child care and dinner.”
“You can’t have lasagna. You need to follow the meal plan I gave you.”
“I know, but I think I’m doing it wrong. I ate two cups of vegetables like you said, but the calorie count ended up being over 1,800. That can’t be right.”
“Don’t eat peas. Stick to green beans.”
“Who knew peas were the anti-Christ?”
“Well, now you know they are, so it’s good you’re keeping a food journal.”
“Peas aside, shouldn’t my calorie count be lower? Like 1,300 – 1,500?” Honestly, I’ve been dieting for years and I know that fewer calories = skinny Lisa. Why doesn’t he know this?
“No, I want you to eat 1,500 – 1,800 calories per day. This isn’t a typical weight loss diet. You’re training for a body building competition so you’re going to need the calories to give you enough energy for all the exercising you’re doing. Just trust me.”
Whatever.
So I stick to the diet, mostly, but make a few substitutions here and there. Like milk, for example. The diet says I can’t drink milk, juice, soda, coffee (?!) or anything else but water or green tea. But I view this meal plan as more of a guideline than something set in stone. Daniel seems to feel otherwise.
“Why are you drinking milk? It’s not on the plan.”
“I don’t want to get osteoporosis.”
“You get your dairy from the yogurt I gave you, plus you’re taking a multivitamin and calcium pill. You don’t need milk.”
Daniel is a very black-or-white type guy. He and Regina would get along famously. I’m more shades-of-gray because that allows me to rationalize doing whatever it is I want to do. So since it seems he’s actually going to read this food journal thing and bug me about it, I decide to outsmart him and not keep the journal at all.
“Lisa, why haven’t you updated your food journal?”
“Oh, I’ve been busy with the kids. I’ll do it tonight.”
The next day I get a text. “U forgot to update your food journal last night.”
Really?!! You’re going to text me about this? Didn’t you read between the lines and know when I said, “I’ll do it tonight” what I really meant was “I’ll do it never”?
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