But Magic Mike Made Me Do It…

 

“Are you done sabotaging yourself?” asked my trainer, Robin.

Oh, crap, I knew this was coming. 

I had already cheated on my meal plan once this week sampling “clean” vanilla glazed doughnuts from a kids cookbook I was reviewing.  (In my defense:  My kids picked the recipe.  Personally, I voted for the zucchini fries.)  My weight went up 2 lbs. from last week.

“You can’t cheat anymore,” he said.  “Your competition is in three weeks.”

“I know,” I said and swore off cheat meals for the rest of the month. That was on Tuesday. But then there was the Magic Mike pole dance party…

It was a two hour dance class at Bon Bon Barre to the Magic Mike soundtrack followed by a field trip where 20 of us hot and bothered women watched the rowdy viewing of Magic Mike XXL at the Alamo Drafthouse while waiters served cocktails and food.

Cocktails and food…

This was a dilemma.  My training session with Robin was the next day, at 5 a.m.  I have to snap a picture of my weight and send to him before each session.

I could have ordered salad and water.  I could have taken out the protein shake and rice cakes packed in my gym bag.  I could have pre-packed what was actually on my meal plan: chicken and green beans.

But damnit I wanted red meat!  (Feel free to insert your “meat” joke <<here>>.)  So I ordered a burger, fries and Diet Coke (I knew alcohol would really push me over the edge, so I held back there at least.)

…And I gained another 2 lbs. overnight.  Ah man!  Come on metabolism, can’t you just cover for me even once?

The Magic Mike Defense

5 a.m.

I say hi.  He says nothing.  I get on the treadmill to warm up.

“Are you done sabotaging yourself?”

“But, it was Magic Mike…” (‘Cause, yeah, the Magic Mike defense is totally valid!)

“You’re the one who’s going to have stand on that stage in two weeks, not your girlfriends.”

“I know.”

He presses the button on the treadmill so I’m running faster.

“You know why you keep gaining weight, right?”

“I know.  I’m cheating on my meal plan.”

“It’s a combination of things.  One cheat meal isn’t going to kill you.  But two cheat meals in the same week without making accommodations is going to take its toll.  I know your activity level dropped this week because Rylee has pneumonia and you have to stay home.  I know you’re not sleeping if you’re out seeing Magic Mike last night and then up at 4 a.m. to train here.  It’s a combination of factors.”

“I know.  I won’t cheat any more.” (Déjà vu?)

“You can’t cheat any more.  You’ve run out of time.”  He stops the machine.  “Let’s do legs today.”

Bad Surprise

Some surprises are good, like finding out you won the lottery, or eating a sugar-free, fat-free, gluten-free, lactose-free, vegan pizza that tastes like the real thing.  A leg workout, when you were expecting an arm workout, is a very bad surprise indeed.

If you have never had a leg workout, let alone one after you’ve just pissed off your trainer, let me give some examples of other bad surprises:

1. The above-referenced winning lottery ticket is actually from a Nigerian Prince and you have to send him your bank account information first to collect the prize money.
2. Your boss tells you the big budget meeting you hadn’t prepared yet just got moved up from Friday to right now.
3. You go to the dentist and he says, “Surprise!  We’re doing a colonoscopy too!”

   

4. You go to the pet store, think you purchased a kitten, but when you get in your car discover that you actually purchased a cheetah.  (I realize this is unlikely, but I think we can all agree that it is a really bad surprise.)

You know what’s also a bad surprise?  Doing sprints for your “active recovery” between leg presses.

But you know what?  The Magic Mike cheat meal was worth it!  It was the best damn burger and fries I ever ate in my life.  So there!  And I don’t even care about a punishing leg workout, because sometimes it just feels good to be bad!  And watch really hot guys dance.

Three hours later…

The worst bad surprise of them all…

DOMS

(Delayed. Onset. Muscle. Soreness.)  Walking was harder than Channing Tatum’s and Joe Manganiello’s…abs.

OMG!  I will never cheat on my meal plan again, Robin!!!!

Lisa 😉

Lisa Traugott is a Mom’s Choice Award winning writer, fitness blogger, wife and mom of two.  Her book, “She’s Losing It!”  is available at Amazon.com.

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